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Unfulfilled Expectations Bring Disappointment And Clarity (02.10.2021)

It has been my intention for years to live each direct experience without expectations. It came as a surprise when an event which I planned was not as I thought it would be. As I reviewed the experience, an old wound of feeling “not enough” arose. My mental chatter was loud proclaiming my disappointment and my unfulfilled expectations. What was going on here?

Not to be consumed by jumbled thoughts on this beautiful day, I found a new trail and enjoyed it immensely. My thoughts were of nature and falconry and moving-breezes through the trees. Stopping by a pond, sitting in an old-fashioned swing, quiet calm watched my thoughts ebb and flow.

What became clear was an awareness of self-deception that had created an atmosphere different from the one I truly wanted. The feeling of disappointment brought clarity about shared thoughts and words said earlier to protect myself from an unwanted disappointment such as this. My current disappointment was created by my own past actions not by someone else’s perceived insensitive behavior.

Where was the courage to share my self-deception and reveal my vulnerability within this new friendship? Was it even necessary to do so? Did I need something from this friend? What did I really want here? Clarity came as a knowing that no relationship could flourish in deception, mine or anyone’s. These too were just thoughts that needed to be processed. My eyes opened to a long evening shadow accented by bright sunlight crossing the pond in front of me. This direct experience without hidden expectations was how I wanted my Life to unfold. Decision made. Now all I needed was courage to do the next right thing without expectations. ________________________________ Just Show Up (02.01.2021)
For many years, the motivation to just show up has been within me. The blessings of creativity and a joyful outlook seem to be my nature. Often my words to others are hopeful and full of energy. Need a lift, need a hand, need a smile, and my love of adventure rises up and away we go. Living alone has taught me the benefit of sharing the beauty that crosses my path. My writing and art practices record and enrich my life every day. Sharing what lifts my spirit encourages others to share the beauty of their lives with me often. I so love that.

Today living alone in the time of a pandemic seems tiresome. The view out my window is of ice and snow and cold; beautiful but isolating. Friends are snowbound or caring for their young or aging families. The body I live in seems both restless and sluggish. The day, although sunny, feels dark within me.

On such a day, am I able to show up just for me, and if I can, what does that look like? With low energy and mental chatter of all the time I have spent alone over this past year, what is it I need today? It is easy to remember past days and it is easy to imagine that whatever is going on today will not last. Change is constant. Yet, it seems something more may be needed on this day. As I write, it occurs to me that darkness is part of each cycle of time passing. Mostly, I enjoy physical darkness when the air is crisp, the stars are bright, and the moon glows. It is true that my life has borne some dark days and weeks when finding light seemed all but impossible. Today is not like that.

Today my energy is just lower than usual, my need to move less urgent, my need to reach out to others nonexistent, and my usual motivating thoughts are drowned out by the one thought that today ‘should’ be different. Should is a word I don’t like to use, but there it is. Again, the question arises, “How do I just show up for only me?” As I prepare to close my computer and head for the luxury of my soft and inviting bed, the only thing I can do with this day of darkness or maybe just a day of less lightness is to allow it.

Resistance of this feeling takes too much energy today. Time to rest in quiet darkness to prepare for another day of light that will surely appear on tomorrow’s horizon. As I make this choice, a text from my grandson appears on my computer. It says, “brrr.” I chuckle and let love fill the room. Well said, “brrr.” Resting in self-compassion and the acceptance of a bit of darkness is what it takes to show up just for me today. Might as well do my yoga on my way.

PS (02.01.2021, late afternoon): After doing yoga, receiving daughter-hugs from California, and having a hot shower, my energy has returned, and it has become a day of deep knowing that it is impossible to watch the arising of light if I refuse to accept a moment of darkness.
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